FOLLOW ALONG: www.twitter!!!!
clink.kiss.wake up. Genesis
--Dec 31, 2012
graphic design graphic
design graphic design Aum Namah Shivaya Aum Namah Shivaya *rips out own heart
*Photoshop screams "Kali ma"
--Dec 30, 2012
14 month anniversary.
Coffees by our wall heater.
--Dec 30, 2012
Meagen broke the
piñata. She is sated.
--Dec 28, 2012
We are in a semi
abandoned Mexican restaraunt. There is rap music and a piñata filled with
alcohol. I have a cold.
--Dec 28, 2012
I had a fever for 3
days. This morning I woke up and wrote this: "Intelligence cape for
inanimate objects"
--Dec 28, 2012
Everything is
wonderful.
--Dec 24, 2012
Girl you must have
killed a dragon (you got that booty)/ girl you must have found a treasure map
(you got that booty)
--Dec 22, 2012
Really surprised when
Downton Abbey season 3 ended with Shania Twain's "that don't impress me
much" over montage and credits.
--Dec 22, 2012
Instagram can now use
your pics for advertising.Joey & I taking photos they can't use
"Skittles is interested in using this Nazi book cover"
--Dec 22, 2012
You'd a big fine goat
kid/ alpaca that ass up/ jumpin' crags from here to there/ alpaca that ass up
--Dec 22, 2012
ghosts. happy
christmas. battery. sugar. Sugar. catapult. Ready. Happy Christmas. Merry.
--Dec 21, 2012
Yes
Miss...librarian...do you have that copy of White Fang, with the sassy modern
dialogue? I think it's called Lil Miss White Thang...
--Dec 19, 2012
Let's just say that
people that say "let's just say..." are boring.
--Dec 18, 2012
"Project Dog
Runway is a show where dogs wear outfits made by cats, and it is CRAZY"
--me, pitching to Tim Gunn
-_Dec 18, 2012
"Do you want
tries with that?"
--Dec 18, 2012
The .gif that keeps on
giving? #tweettries #doyouwanttrieswiththat?
--Dec 18, 2012
Raising hand in church
"uh yes, I have a prayer request that Shelley should have worn
--Dec 17, 2012
"Let them know
Daddy's home, with a live snake at YOUR next Christmas party"
--Dec 17, 2012
You got a fast car/I
sat down and it made a move on me/ maybe I saw this wrong:/ red tail lights
blinkin' dirty things honey --tracy chapman
--Dec 12, 2012
I just figured out The
Epilogue. It's Amazing. *FrenchToast*
--Dec 11, 2012
I restrung the
Christmas tree lights 3 times. I am officially my father's son.
--Dec 9, 2012
Separation of church
& great
--Dec 8, 2012
JJ Abrams must have
directed my driver's side window cause there's nothing but lens flares in this
rain.
--Dec 8, 2012
--Dec 5, 2012
"Siri, rob dis
motherfucker."
--Dec 3, 2012
oh my god i'm sick of
numbers.
--Dec 3, 2012
hot foil printing is
sexy as hell.
--Dec 3, 2012
listening to the
soundtrack to Chinatown and crunching numbers for packaging all day.
--Dec 3, 2012
I think the worst part
about having OCD is all the salmonella in the air.
--Dec 2, 2012
French Toast meeting
success. Scales in text kitchens and postage numbers on yellow pads.
--Dec 1, 2012
Eight is an important
age for any young man, as this is when your parents are supposed to tell you to
stop wearing shorts on dry land.
--Dec 1, 2012
Ghost-write the whip
--Dec 1, 2012
Decemberrrrrbabyitscoldoutside
french toast. number
research. highlighted scrawlings.
--Nov 30, 2012
Time traveler from
future says he's me, that he just escaped from horrible fat camp."But i'm
not fat now" I say. He looks embarrassed for me
--Nov 30, 2012
they crowned me
outdoor king and pushed me outside alone
--Nov 29, 2012
A French Toast to
Sakroka
--Nov 28, 2012
They should film a
vampire movie about my van called Twilight: Breaking Down #freejoke #youcanuse
--Nov 27, 2012
"do y'all have
the lil drumma boy, but like a sexy version?"
--Nov 27, 2012
"you play
pool?" YEAH I'M GREAT AT POOL*cut to flashback of me drowning in a
pool*cut to losing in a pool hall to 2 guys both named Santana*
--Nov 27, 2012
The face that lunched
1000 chips
--Nov 27, 2012
In defense of Chuck
Austen!! Say what you will about his X-Men run. It's fun.
--Nov 26, 2012
"This apple cuts
to the core." --me alone with a sentient MacBook who knows me all to well
--Nov 26. 2012
a magic candle that
only casts light in front of it. You can't see it from behind. It's called a
nimble stick.
--Nov 26, 2012
Rod Stewart singing
"What Part of The Camel is This?" and other Hanukkah songs.
--Nov 26, 2012
SEAL the deal this
weekend at SEAL XPERIENCE where you'll hit the SEALing in fun!!!!! (all seals
animatronic)
--Nov 26, 2012
is it great vine, or
grape vine? Because I'm hearing voices.
--Nov 26, 2012
At a coffee shop.
Waiting to pick up Meagen. I spent an hour with a manuscript and an ink pen,
marking through pages. It's 1 month til Xmas.
--Nov 25, 2012
Has anyone on football
ever been fired for using leather magnet gloves?
--Nov 25, 2012
Fuck nanowrimo
--Nov 23, 2012
--Nov 28, 2012
If I owned a zoo I
would do an exhibit called Gorilla MOREfare! But we wouldn't have any gorillas
because I fed them 2 much and they died :(
--Nov, 17, 2012
If any Deftones fans
interested, I have rare bootleg audio of lead singer of Chino Moreno eating a
big plate of spaghetti
--Nov 16, 2012
Hey does <3 mean
Sweetheart, or Butt Wizard, and what if I want to say both?
--Nov 16, 2012
voted
"People" magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive" by my Dad
--Nov 16, 2012
Did the Mayans predict
when rednecks will stop naming their kids Aiden?
--Nov 16, 2012
Hey, how do you Not
catch a butterfly in Russia? A butterfly nyet--STAGE WHERE I'M TELLING JOKE
COLLAPSES KILLING THREE.
--Nov 15, 2012
It wasn't the blood,
it was the stains on his hands: red, blue, green, and purple. Just another day
in the Skittles Gang...
--Nov 14, 2012
My posesessed toilet
keeps saying "ya did gooood, Son" but I'm not even in there?
--Nov 13, 2012
Meagen & our
friend Julia are in the living room. It's like their having girl night but I
can come get Meagen if I see a spider.
--Nov 13, 2012
It would be faster if
this other idea would stop crushin on me. Everyday there's another love letter
in my mailbox. "I like you write me"
--Nov 13, 2012
I am on my 4th year of
the same story. the same characters. I am keeping them alive by describing
their lives.
--Nov 13, 2012
I have been writing
this novel for 3 years, and three months. I am still on the first 3 index cards
of the second draft. No correlation.
--Nov 13, 2012
Sir, you can't sing
Mr. Boombastic on a plane.
--Nov 13, 2012
How do YOU spell
pretentious, mmmm I would spell it a little differently...
--Nov 12, 2012
I just dropped this
story and let it shatter. I cracked it wide open. The odd piece is gone and
solved.
--Nov 12, 2012
"One, you're like
a dream come true, Three, you know it's plain to see, That I can't count, It's
hard for me"
--Nov 11, 2012
Kinder-Guardians.
Copywrite. Me. Forever.
--Nov 11, 2012
"we got a
place"
--Nov 10, 2012
--DO I HAVE 500? DO I
HAVE 550? 550 FOR BEES. BILLIONS OF BEES. THEY'RE COMIN ON IN HERE ANYWAY DO I
HAVE 600 THEY'RE STINGIN WE'RE DYIN—
--Nov 9, 2012
"I am." said
Brenda, raising her trembling hand. "I am." --from Nicholas Spark's
"I'm Sorry About Your Dong"
--Nov 9, 2012
COUPLE DANCES TO
SINATRA "darling it's incredible" CAMERA PANS DOWN TO SHOES
"that someone so....ugg..forgetable..." UGG BOOTS PAYS ME $$$'S
--Nov 8, 2012
"see the bird
shit in other birds mouth, after the flood all the colors came out" --U2
Beautiful Day #WhyWouldBonoSayThat:(
--Nov 8, 2012
שכינה
--Nov 8, 2012
Researching a new
story. Freaking myself out. Everything is connecting. There must be a God. am I
insane?
--Nov 8, 2012
Is that song
"Break on Through to The Other Side" by the Doors about butt stuff?
**Please RT until I find an answer.
--Nov 8, 2012
I know! Darok calling
me all night but i wont call back RT@jonathanhelser I am defined by the One who calls me, not by
my calling
--Nov 8, 2012
"Sir, you have
Hope clogging every major artery in your heart. You're going to die"
--Nov 8, 2012
Writing again. Thank
God.
--Nov 7, 2012
In the night store
getting toothbrush &blanket."Where is fruit?"Employee gets on
mic"THIS guy's LOOKING FOR THE DAY STORE"my night is ruined
--Nov 7, 2012
"Sorry, can't
make it, spending time with CS tonight" I hang up phone. Wondering if my
CS Lewis Book Club knew I had the cinnamon shits...
--Nov 7, 2012
@joeyciccoline Oh I'm VERY familiar
with PORTISHEAD, the documentary on dolphin sex.
--Nov 7, 2012
"Liking this
Viking" would be the title of my romance novel.
--Nov 7, 2012
"Yes, I'd like to
buy grown-up food?"***"Sir, this is bird currency."
--Nov 7, 2012
I DUMP MY JOKE BAG
INTO FISH TANK THE FISH START GURGLE LAUGHING SO I START LAUGHING UNTIL I PASS
OUT SMASHING THE TANK OPEN WE ALL DIE
--Nov 7, 2012
Dr says my body is
"swashbuckling".Which is bad because I call my homemade "sheet
moo moo" a swash & he says my XXL belt is XX too small : (
--Nov 7, 2012
an auroraboros is when
the northern lights stretch all the way around the world and eat themselves.
--Nov 6, 2012
FYI my one man play,
"a goat kid named kefir sutherland", has been cancelled.
--Nov 6, 2012
@vanityset I listened to your
stuff while writing some ideas down. thanks?
--Nov 5, 2012
"Don't call this
place the parlor for nothin' huh?!" I ask the 12 human sized spiders at
the The Parlor Pub and Grill. They feast upon me.
--Nov 5, 2012
Chief Thief shows me
flashcard Stealing Quiz: a car, a painting; I say yes to all. Last card shows a
heart. I take his hand. Fail quiz.
--Nov 5, 2012
APPLY TO AD
AGENCY,SHOW PIC OF CHEETAH IN SANTA HAT:"Happy Maul-iDays from AL GORE the
violent cheetah"HMM SAYS EMPLOYER WITH IMPRESSED LOOK
--Nov 5, 2012
fancy dinner plans:
theme to downton abbey on loop while we cry
--Nov 5, 2012
Not sure if I get
Purell's new "life's a bitch so just fuck it" campaign.
--Nov 5, 2012
I DON'T LIKE THAT ONE
SONG ON YOUR EP WHERE I CAN HEAR SOMEONE WHISPERING HEY HEY ...HEYHEY IN A
DEMON VOICE. I THINK ITS CALLED HEY FEVER?
--Nov 5, 2012
Can't remember the
difference between "ironic" and "erotic" ...which one is it
if I'm holding this dude's dick and didn't expect to?
--Nov 3, 2012
My joke. RT @itsmichaelayall: Where do wasps go to
school? Waspington State University
--Nov 3, 2012
I feel like Tom Petty,
cause I'm runnin down a dream, and cause my face looks like dropped margarine
that rolled through cat hair
--Nov 3, 2012
"You weren't
there when...when all their bases...when they all belonged...to us..."
--last words of Colonel Meme
--Nov 3, 2012
"I was
there" he said. The last of his life spitting between what was left of his
teeth. "I was there during the meme wars..."
--Nov 3, 2012
My name is Dirk
Flannigan, ...I take pictures for hard puzzles...
--Nov 3, 2012
Apocalisp.
--Nov 2, 2012
Go to bathroom. New
sign says: "Would You Like To Use Energy?" I click NO button. Glowing
chain is lowered into my lap. Burning me.
--Nov 2, 2012
NEWS ANCHOR: "And
the winning Lottery Words are: Curtain, Falls, & DeathW0lf" ...Wait,
Oh God no..." (sound of evil from offscreen)
--Nov 2, 2012
November.somehow.already.
Today not only our 1
year anniversary together but we also got a sponsor! So happy 1 year Sprinklins
Dannonversary to us!
--Oct 30, 2012
I just wrote notes for
a prologue of a story I can't even begin to start on for at least another half
a decade.
--Oct 27, 2012
FILLED WITH FEELS
--Oct 26, 2012
I'm DJ Lob-Star!
(anti-drug rap for kids) I'm 'scared' of 'the pot' cause I don't wanna be
'cooked'...I USED to be a potty training rapper
--Oct 26, 2012
Is it freight train,
or fright train? (I don't want to look like a fool train hopping with this
Dracula face paint)
--Oct 24, 2012
CAMPAIGN// What am I
most afraid of? Spiders who specifically target children.But I'm not afraid of
a name. So I choose Blurder //COMMERCIAL
--Oct 24, 2012
CAMPAIGN// Some people
think Dr. Blurder sounds too much like Dr. Murder. But rhyming isn't a crime.
If it was, I'd do the time //COMMERCIAL
--Oct 24, 2012
CAMPAIGN// Dentist
elections? vote for Doctor Blurder. Because he's never murdered anyone. His
name just rhymes with a murder //COMMERCIAL
--Oct 24, 2012
IT'S BEEN THE BEST
CONTINUALLY.
--Oct 24, 2012
I can't tell if I
burned my mouth, or if I have tongue cancer. And that's why I can't enjoy my
life.
--Oct 24, 2012
James Bond in Dr. No:
(sound of plane crash) (sound of guns) "Hey can I--" "NO."
--Oct 23, 2012
Everything is <3's
--Oct
23, 2012
NO wait, it's also
2-in1...DAMNIT. #missedopportunity
--Oct 19, 2012
IS there a travel size
hair conditioner JUST for afro's called "to and fro"? and if so why
not, I ask?
--Oct 19, 2012
"The cute one,
wearing last years boots" Barry whispers into my assassin earpiece
"Be specific!" I shout. Barry sighs. I miss my target.
--Oct 19, 2012
three out of five
falling toward finish.
--Oct 18, 2012
"wanna see most
beautiful thing ever?"I play movie of plastic bag in wind. "What the
fuck?"she asks, as I zoom past bag to 2 horses doing it
--Oct 18, 2012
two out of five
falling toward finish.
--Oct 18, 2012
How about making a
plain bagel, with cream cheese and gummi worms, and calling it snakes on a
plain? --comment I left on 362 foodie blogs
--Oct 18, 2012
"Did he say
Gapton, or Captain?" --me, being thrown out of the Dead Poets Society
--Oct 17, 2012
Oh my. I fixed it.
--Oct 17, 2012
22 / unknown / magic /
22 (first act rewrite math)
--Oct 17, 2012
He found death to be
breathtaking.
--Oct 17, 2012
Dude, you're getting a
Dell ...for your birthday....He's a male Strip-Triloquist with a dummy based
loosely on British pop star Adele....
--Oct 16, 2012
Is it
"Pethouse" or "Penthouse"? I want my parrot story to get to
the right people. (It's really sexy).
--Oct 16, 2012
Wait! I got it!
--Oct 15, 2012
I hate this so much I
wish I had enemies, and that they all wrote novels.
--Oct 15, 2012
Any sanity I had built
up in the last 28 years has been sacrificed to 2 days of grammar built
beautific horrors.
--Oct 15, 2012
This is the one part I
was worried about going into the rewriting stage. And it is proving to be dEE
za strus.
--Oct 15, 2012
@jimbeamofficial Jim Beam killed my Dad.
--Oct 15, 2012
Only 70 days until
Christmas! ...When we celebrate the...death...of baby Jesus? #unsure
--Oct 15, 2012
Wrote all day. Old
haunts. New hauntings.
--Oct 14, 2012
"Oh my God, more
like full BUFoon tonight, right?" --Salvador Montez, after ruining
everything at the werewolf party
--Oct 14, 2012
It's the thing I get
to say every half a decade or so; New Pinback.
--Oct 13, 2012
Lifeway passed on my
cartoon about dead beavers from heaven helping children put emotional walls up. #RIPgood_god_dam
--Oct 12, 2012
Lots of notes for
adventures today. Histories of things.
--Oct 11, 2012
Tonight on History:
Stories of the Kiss Army during the Vietnam War
--Oct 9, 2012
Also, suuuuuuper in
love.
--Oct 9, 0212
Head cold for 1st time
in years. Last night couldn't sleep quickly. fixed novel in my head. everything
i was worried about. genuine smiles.
--Oct 9, 2012
They call me Jangle,
'cause my actions are spurious.
--Oct
9, 2012
writing all damn day.
--Oct 5, 2012
"What is Project
Tomorrow?" he asked. "We can't tell you today." the man in the
suit replied.
--Oct 5, 2012
dangerous game design
thoughts are the last thoughts my brain needs right now.
--Oct 5, 2012
10 years. One decade
of scramble.
--Oct 5, 2012
Confused on the
cardinal rule of bird watching...
--Oct 4. 2012
He seemed legitimate.
I flipped the business card over, sounding out the small metallic lettering:
"Ransford Botch: penis inspector."
--Oct 4, 2012
"Sir, this is the
Yankee Candle Co. We don't put up with nonsense. ...unless you're talking about
our Vanilla Distance Non-Scents line..."
--Oct 4, 2012
Is a proverb a story
that has to convey action?
--Oct 4, 2012
For me, the hardest
part about writing is remebering I have options. And the hardest part about
options is remembering I'm not a genius.
--Oct 4, 2012
combinatory blanket
comfort factor
--Oct 3, 2012
I left the chapter
alone for over a week, and it rotted. The smell is sweet. The bad parts are
falling off with light touch.
--Oct 3, 2012
New underwear film
screening in @joeyciccoline 's room.
--Oct 2, 2012
October
I just watched
"Set It Off" 3 times in a row and I still don't feel popular.
Sept, 29, 2012
Just fucking dropped
my electric digiridoo #RIpDigitaldoo
--Sep 29, 2012
There's a lot of fat
ugly people here tonight. --me, alone in my room
--Sep 29, 2012
2X2L calling CQ...2X2L
calling CQ... New York
--Sep
28, 2012
"He lived in a
town called Little Daunting, where he was afraid to go outside." --the
start of my British novel
--Sep 26, 2012
BREAKING: Kraft
Macaroni & Cheese factory shut down for letting orange dinosaur swim in
"lakes of unprocessed cheese"
--Sep 25, 2012
Try saying
"yellow" with a mouth full of Rolos. #YOLO
--Sep 25, 2012
Worlds Fair
--Sep 25, 2012
Stimulus vs.
Camaraderie
--Sep 25, 2012
wear the bolt like a
ring
--Sep 24, 2012
"Something You Call
Food" said the host. I stared at the board & smiled: _ IISSSSS ...I
was about to win Wheel of Fortune:Snake Edition
--Sep 24, 2012
Kawaii Five-0
--Sep 24, 2012
"Drinking gloves
are the new HEIGHT of elegance." I replied. The glass of rosé slipping
from my fingers, concussing his rare poodle.
--Sep 23, 2012
This whole day has
been a Mad About You animated .gif
--Sep 23, 2012
He's got an empty
holster and a belly full of lead
--Sep 22, 2012
Why is it the type of
people who want to paint murals don't have any good ideas for murals?
--Sep 22, 2012
@rdigiorgi You look like you
spent all night with a notepad trying to break the space rhyme barrier
--Sep 21, 2012
@rdigiorgi I'm sorry, I couldn't
hear you over that beard yelling it was "taking command of this
starship"
--Sep 21, 2012
Deep asleep. Dreaming
of dinosaurs. Best ever. Dimetrodon stops. Looks into my eyes. Whispers
"Suck the poison out with a kiss." Oh no.
--Sep 20, 2012
"Break at the
Bend a book of poetry inspired by the song Shimmer by Fuel" by Todd
Michael Rogers
--Sep 20, 2012
Wait, is it "land
lubber", or "land lover"? Am I going to be arrested?
--Sep 20, 2012
when they reach the
sunrise....
--Sep 20, 2012
Hello, Friends! http://www.tweetcloudz.com Just generated a FREE #TweetCloudmy top words are: DUCK TALES
BEAGLE BOY SEX FANTASY
--Sep 19, 2012
Is there a type of
story that is basically Downton Abbey meets Kingdom Hearts? Because that is
what I am looking for with literature.(tears)
--Sep 19, 2012
Writer holds head
after fall. "I can't...I can't feel my prose...I CAN'T FEEL MY PROSE"
--Sep 19, 2012
I drove to where the
stars still lived.
--Sep 18, 2012
Spent the entire day
watching THE ENTIRETY of Kingdom Hearts: Dream Drop Distance's cut scenes
HOORAY.
--Sep 18, 2012
Can't stop kinkshaming
my garden hose.
--Sep 18, 2012
Downton Julie
Brown.................................
........................................................Hello? Is this thing
on?
--Sep 18, 2012
IS THE SONG ONE
HEADLIGHT ABOUT A PENIS? Please RT
--Sep 17, 2012
--Sep 17, 2012
Waffle Hour on NPR.
Tell your story about making waffles or eating them (3 months later)WE AT NPR
NOW WORSHIP THE SILENT HISS OF WAFFLE HOUR
--Sep 17, 2012
"You got the
music in you" montage. Me writing a song.Recording.Then being sued. 'cause
I used melody & lyrics of "You got the music in you"
--Sep 17, 2012
On a walk. "uhg
smells like horse poop" look over. centaur hit by car. A scared knight with
tears in his eyes "Sir Tiberus is bleeding out!"
--Sep 16, 2012
Is someone writing
Huckleberry Finn? 'Cause I just split this chapter in TWAIN. [shouting followed
by uncontrollable tears]
--Sep 16, 2012
Idea: bagel paint.
Paint your bagel in six fun shades of animal faced nevermind that's a bad idea.
--Sep 14, 2012
It's taken me months
to put my feelings into words, but MARSHMALLOW KITE BADBOY
--Sep 14, 2012
@joeyciccoline dear sir, I am writing
to inform you that i clicked on your "happiest time of year is here"
pic expecting a crotch shot, and
--Sep 14, 2012
The preacher closed
the book, and stared at the churchgoers gathered in their pews. "GOD GAVE
ME A NEW NAME AND IT IS HAG RIFLE"
--Sep 14, 2012
@joeyciccoline fuck you my room is
LEGITIMATE. IT WAS ON THE COVER OF LEGITIMATE ROOMS SPRING 1996
--Sep 14, 2012
choir swell
--Sep 13, 2012
--night's guest:A man
who thinks he is a talk show host! I'm your ACTUAL host, a man who thinks that
linear time is repeating. Tonight's g—
--Sep 12, 2012
new story.
--Sep 11, 2012
my dubstep dad left
me. My heart feels broken. I feel like someone DROPPPED IIITT
WAWAAWOOOHWOOOAHHHNGNGNGNGNWAAHHWAHNGNGNGNNWOAH
--Sep 11, 2012
my dubstep donut
doesn't taste very good. I think it's cause I DROPPPPPED IIITTT WAWAWAWAWAWAWOOOHWOOOAHHHHHNGNGNGNGNWAAHHWAHNGNGNGNGNGNWOAH
--Sep 11, 2012
My dubstep doorbell is
broken. It sounds like someone DROPPPPED IIIIIITT
WAWAWAWAWAWAWOOOHWOOOAHHHHHNGNGNGNGNWAAHHWAHHHHHNGNGNGNGNGNWOAHHHHH
--Sep 11, 2012
Best night I could
have hoped for. //walk//bar//echo//talk
--Sep 10, 2012
We stayed up until
three. And woke up at one. I finished a chapter. And now Meagen is making sure
it is done.
--Sep 9, 2012
One year of Knowing.
The best year so far.
--Sep 9, 2012
plot. points. in. my.
eyes.
--Sep 8, 2012
@Uncrustables Holy Shit. My kids gon
eat 2night ral good
--Sep
8, 2012
A spokesperson for the boar had this to say: "what? I don't represent animals--"
--Aug 7, 2012
cut--chord//safe--now//star//fall//leaves--in--the--darks//when//we can see them
--Aug 7, 2012
Uhg There's only uggos in the hospital. I said to myself. In the empty emergency room. Staring at a window that cracked when I looked at it.
--Aug 7, 2012
GLUTEN-FREE SNAKE ON A FLAG WITH THE WORDS DON'T BREAD ON ME BELOW IT.
--Aug 7, 2012
I drive a Toyota
Kurgan
--Sep 6, 2012
"Oh, the
chrysanthemothers are in bloom"-Me at a garden party. as a spy. wearing an
eyepatch. reading smudged note from a florist on my arm
--Sep 4, 2012
She's got, Crazy Davis
eyes
--Sep 3, 2012
SEEEEP te m berrrrrrrr
a couch holiday/10
--Aug 30, 2012
...And now we return
to Confusing Poets Fighting: (two men shouting and crying) "--You were an
island! A cranberry cloud of storms!"
--Aug 29, 2012
matador de muerto and
his ectoplasmic death bull
--Aug 29, 2012
"Im gonna be a
sexy mad hatter but I shoulda got the plus size" --My sister Olivia, last
night.
--Aug 28, 2012
“That window is broken.”
///college///fall///pumpkin///couches///talks///holding///writing///waiting///
“It doesn’t show anything...except
--Aug 28, 2012
"Simba
I have forgotten me" --Alzheimer's Mufasa
--Aug
28, 2012
weapon
5 of 5 revolver 5 of 5
--Aug
25, 2012
Twilight
Sad & Find & Replace
--Aug
25, 2012
Marscapone
never goes bad*sound of ambulance*sound of cemetery*sound of my will being read
in confusion because its flip books of fireworks*
--Aug
24, 2012
With
time ideas collapse into something better.
--Aug
24, 2012
the
desert is too dangerous without glass slippers
--Aug
24, 2012
Porch
talk good alcohol cig run time loud.
--Aug
23, 2012
"On
Cupid, On Donner, On Comet, and Saunter" *deer shakes ass slowly as it
makes it's way up to the front
--Aug
22, 2012
cups
and pans.
--Aug
22, 2012
I
WAS AFRAID OF THE RATS AT FIRST BUT NOW THAT I HAVE BUILT THEM A RAT CHURCH AND
SINCE I PREACH TO THEM MY RAT GOSPEL I KNOW NOTHING CAN GO
--Aug
20, 2012
I
have the best girl.
--Aug
20, 2012
Listening
to Confusing Spanglish, Side A:"that hill is too slippery for cardboard
shoes" now repeat: "Los Hill Es slippery shoes el nowhere"
--Aug
18, 2012
"Father
cried, in the taco store, when I dropped my tacos on the floor..."
--Sufjan Stevens
--Aug
18, 2012
It's
your chance, to do your dance (worship leaders who sneak Space Jam lyrics into
their songs) put your hands in the air, if you feel fine
--Aug
18, 2012
"MILLIO-MARE
HORSE WINS MILLION DOLLAR LOTTERY" said no newspaper ever.
--Aug
18, 2012
Please
RT my disability self esteem charity "Deaf Be Not Proud"
--Aug
17, 2012
Calling
small town libraries and asking for fake books: "Do you have The Strange
& Sexy World of Children's Basketball?"
--Aug
16, 2012
They knew I was giving
them a fake name. Mr. "Woah B. Betty Ramblablamba" would not be
admitted into the bar tonight...
--Aug 15, 2012
New past tense of
Don't is Daint. #PassItOn
--Aug 14, 2012
OplambricA
--Aug 13, 2012
I'm ready to Bel Biv
de Go
--Aug 12, 2012
I fix novel.
--Aug 11, 2012
The oldest man meets
the loudest instrument in: Methuselah & vuvuzelah
--Aug 10, 2012
"Shit, there's too much heat on
me..." --diary entry for Aug 8, 2012 by Mark "cat killer lightning
sound" Krunckle
--Aug 10, 2012
Sally"cat detective"Crunt:
"Bernie Maccabee is wanted for questioning...No I don't solve cat
crimes,I'm a detective who dresses like a cat?"
--Aug 10, 2012
Bernie "cat homicide"
Maccabee: "I also do laser sounds for children's parties...no I don't kill
cats, I solve kitten related crimes..."
--Aug 10, 2012
Eric "shit shit shit" Lee:
"I'm not saying "shit", it's the sound of a laser. Book me
instead of Johnson Murphy for children's parties."
--Aug 10, 2012
Johnson "Laser Sounds"
Murphy: "I won't hurt anyone, or your child's party: free"
--Aug 10, 2012
"Where do I know you from,
Weight Watchers?" "Hey FUCK you!"
--Aug 09, 2012
From the core. Come the seeds.
///& Withhold.pic.twitter.com/JnJdOjQD
--Aug 09, 2012
A Kickstarter for me to film a VERY
expensive Kickstarter video.
--Aug 09, 2012
comics !!!!!!
--Aug 08, 2012
1 year later. french toast. battle
plans.
--Aug 08, 2012
What was that Thomas The Tank Engine
anti-drug episode? ..."Wrong Side of the Tracks?"
--Aug 08, 2012
Seeing Sakroka for the first time in
11 months.
--Aug 08, 2012
Espresso giving me shivers I can't
prove. Headache is gone.
--Aug 08, 2012
We might have overdone it a bit last
night. We didn't do anything. I mean the alcohol.
--Aug 08, 2012
"You're crazy!" shouted
the invisible horse made of tomatoes.
--Aug 08, 2012
What should a person do if they are
afraid of asking advice? (I'm asking for a friend)
--Aug 07, 2012
You best be runnin dat ass inside.
De moon is out. And de sick people need de doctorin --Dr. Jamaican Werewolf
--Aug 07, 2012
shot of campfire. wolf howling.
"here in the southwest we still fix it hoojpapa style" shot of Lucy
in wardrobe entering Narnia --salsa comm.
--Aug 6, 2012
shot of buffalo.starry
night."here in the southwest, we're still smokin it puyayay
style"shot of transvestite runway show --salsa commercial
--Aug 06, 2012
shot of cactus. sun rising over
glacier. campfire. "We're doin it up right, southwest hijaja
style..." shot of dead cat. --salsa commercial
--Aug 06, 2012
Wrote. 8 pages. Sleep.
--August 5, 2012
drinking a glass of wine and it
begins to talk to me, "hey girl, you wanna make me breakfast?" me:
"Oh my God, this wine is Smooth..."
--August 5, 2012
I wrote a page. Maybe I will write
another. #pertinent
--August 5, 2012
Writing. Fighting something off.
Dizzy. Finished the chapter. I think.#fuckineedsleepnotespressograaaah #meagenisthebesteditoritscrazy
--August 4, 2012
yesterday i came up with a bit for a
story I've been working on for 5 years. I thought it was done! A hidden bit!
Goodness!
--August 4, 2012
sad. fun. beautiful.
--August 4, 2012
I need to keep writing, and get all
the characters out of my head. It isn't safe in there.
--August 3, 2012
Drinking beer at a bar. Pretending I
know what I'm doing. The other men have accepted me. My cardboard beard gets
wet and slips off. Trouble
--August 3, 2012
I want Twizzlers & Cigarettes. #TheDevilsPunchbowl
--August 3, 2012
"Jehova's Witness...to
Murder!" #GoodTitlesForNovels
--August 2, 2012
Ridiculous that people will gather
at fast-food places in the fear of equal rights, instead of gathering at
theaters for metal detectors.
--August 1, 2012
I just wrote a 3 page stream of
consciousness sort of document and solved nearly every worry I had with this
novel.
--August 1, 2012
battle plans.
--August 1, 2012
Last night Meagen & I &
family watched Cousin TJ's band Conveyor perform. Also Spicy food. Hookahs. And
kisses. And brother Ben laughs.
--August 1, 2012
august
Writing!!!! !! !!!!! !! Sunday. New socks. Love. Nap. Coffee. Art time. Anniversary at midnight. Writing.
--July 29, 2012
The children explored the wardrobe, looking for Narnia, but all they found was FUBU...
--July 28, 2012
I'm so in love I could write about it on Twitter.
--July 27, 2012
2005 Flashbacks: listening to The Used. More embarrassing than the results of my Myspace Johari window.
--July 27, 2012
Does "Serving Size: 5" mean 5 minutes? Because I finished it in 5 minutes...
--July 27, 2012
--July 27, 2012
マテリア
--July 26, 2012
--July 26, 2012
COMICS!!!
--July 25, 2012
"I'll bring my Jesus costume. AND my crab costume. (crab costume is just the devil, don't tell my mom)"
--July 25, 2012
I'd probably recycle more often if it had a cooler name.Like: "fucking". ("man what are you gonna do with that can?"--"man, fuck that can.")
--July 25, 2012
My parents thought new age medicine was so evil, we weren't even allowed to drink Crystal Light...
--July 25, 2012
"Wait, did she call me badass, or fatass?" --me standing alone and wearing my cape.
--July 25, 2012
Native American used corn salesman: "Don't get lost in a maize!"™
--July 25, 2012
Think of printed T-shirts as lifeboats. They should be reserved for women & children.
--July 25, 2012
"If yer fave part of Les Mis is"The tigers come at night"y'might be a furry"--My new comedy act(me dressed as fox dressed as jeff foxworthy)
--July 25, 2012
I have an idea for a TV show about two cops who solve crimes on the internet, and it's called Person of Pinterest.
--July 25, 2012
My girl got me feelin' all snumbly!
--July 25, 2012
Fixed. pic.twitter.com/TYUmHFb4
--July 24, 2012
Art time. Night time. Write time.
--July 24, 2012
"DJ SALSA, drop the PACE!!!" --me, spilling salsa during a memorial service.
--July 24, 2012
Local Teen caught in love / "meh" relationship, tonight at 9
--July 23, 2012
Ideas for rings, painting, tiger, tree. Let me out princess. MaMo
--July 22, 2012
"Tap-dancing, vampires, and zombies: history looks back on dumb things that used to be popular in movies"
--July 22, 2012
crying. but also dancing the butterfly. but also listening to Dionne Farris's "I Know".
--July 20, 2012
Tortilla chips. Cutting roof of mouth. Indian curse?
--July 20, 2012
(Pssst, I heard the next big literary romance craze is cannibals)!
--July 20, 2012
Dang, Frank Ocean be all over my EarDicks today...
--July 19, 2012
Bing Bing Every time I come around your city Bing Bing Every time I buy a new ride Bing Bing
--July 19, 2012
1)zoo on fire 2) seeing lover's stretchmarks 3) spilling bowl of frosted flakes--the correct moments to recite "Tyger, Tyger Burning Bright"
--July 17, 2012
The Chevrolet "Like A Rock" jingle from the mid 90's is the only song on this romantic mix cd
--July 16, 2012
I haven't seen Yu-Gi-Oh! in ages. I think it's dead. Yu-Gi-Oh! was my cat : (
--July 16, 2012
Fancy McPretty Eyes
--July 16, 2012
A rapping Bear. Song about having the most honey.Video is him dancing. Honey dripping all over him. Bear bitches shaking tails next to him.
--July 16, 2012
--July 15, 2012
Does Steam Punk mean poop? ..I don't...?
--July 15, 2012
Printed pages covered in ink pen. Stomach filled with breakfast food and love. Rainy day progress.
--July 14, 2012
Cosplaying as the Snackwell's Cookie Guy. NO one gets it...
--July 13, 2012
Damn, Brian K. Vaughn is BACK.
--July 12, 2012
Every time I hear a text message sound, and it's not my phone, an angel loses it's wings.
--July 13, 2012
Snape Plisken
--July 12, 2012
"renew" is a childish and stupid word.
--July 12, 2012
--July 9, 2012
JulyishIguess
June
May
April
Hey, Camel cigarettes. "Pleasure to Burn"? How about a built in box of matches in each pack? You owe me 1 million dollars.
--March 26, 2012
At a poetry reading. They pretty much all sound like this. http://t.co/sWSp5eu
--March 24, 2012
NO Mark Twain...get back in your time cage!"
--March 22, 2012
My dad earns the right to turn 50 this year:http://t.co/NzJVnL
--March 22, 2012
Raindrops keep fallin on my head/ cause I don't live inside, I live outside instead --a bear #dumb
--March 22, 2012
last night. tickets. flowers. calm.
--March 22, 2012
"No, I never wear shorts. I treat my legs like Muslim women. Only their husbands get to see them?"
--March 21, 2012
BREAKING NEWS: the glass I dropped this morning shattered.
--March 21, 2012
cloudwanking is the new skylarking #newphrases
--March 20, 2012
Thank-you, Indoor Jesus.
--March 19, 2012
"Where Are My Bitches, urban canine detective agency"
--March 17, 2012
use your feelings like a forked stick and look for the words with them.
--March 15, 2012
I still don't know how my butt works. #Homeschooler
--March 13, 2012
I'm about to blow you're fucking mind.http://t.co/5r5spo6 Dutch band covers popular rap song. @idsayanything
--March 13, 2012
I feel like I might be the right age now to apologize to my Dad for playing the Godzilla OST more than once in his home. #hearmycries
--March 12, 2012
As a child, I confused Boggle with Ouija. I thought the ghosts I contacted were insane. "Whatever he's saying its only worth 2 points"
--March 11, 2012
"And I'm afraid of dolphins/I don't speak the words they say/Girl I fought the sea/Don't get in my way
--lyrics from new Springsteen album
--March 10, 2012
Ticker-tape is falling, applause & cheer. The block is dead. The spell undone. The hero returns. The author smiles. The end. The beginning.
--March 10, 2012
"Who loves ya, Baby?" #ClassicExamplesofAlzheimers
--March 9, 2012
Joseph & the Technicolor Dreamboat
--March 8, 2012
PBS still not funding my prank show with composer Yanni, where we try to get people to catch our yawns.
--March 8, 2012
three months/ harrow love/ ghost loss/ found us
--March 6,2 012
Should I rename my Springsteen porn script to "This bun's for hire", or just stick with "Dancing in the Dark"?
--March 5, 2012
You're so racist you tried to win the game of Clue by guessing "it was the black guy".
--March 5, 2012
MArch!
"I want to talk about Sugar Ray, but like in secret" She whispered. "...Shut the door baby, don't say a word" I replied.
--February 28, 2012
anacrusis
--February 26, 2012
Steam punk carpet cleaning. "We'll arrive in a Zeppelin"
--February 23, 2012
This is the part of my biography people will skip ahead.
--February 22, 2012
Linkin Park for Kit-Kat brand chocolate bars: "I'm about to break"
--February 20, 2012
"We're in a fridge. 1941. The German chocolate cake is expanding, The English muffins, holding the line" -Me, in a Hollywood pitch meeting"
--February 17, 2012
"What if Rome WAS built in a day?!" --Me, in a Hollywood pitch meeting
--February 17, 2012
Blood in my feigns.
--February 16, 2012
Happy holiday I didn't like until I was 27.
--February 14, 2012
Kicked out of my own Kurt Vonnegut book club by asking why I had to read "Hocus Pocus" if I've already seen the movie...
--February 13, 2012
I have a great idea for a 1920's British zombie story called Brideshead Revisited
--February 13, 2012
Last week, on Down Syndrome Abbey: "I like birds..."will you be my friend?"..."I burnt my hand!"
--February 12, 2012
"Is it Scat Man, or Flax Man? ...I don't want to look a fool at Whole Foods, tonight.
--February 11, 2012
My State of Idaho funded R&B group "Boise II Men" needs more funding. Please RT
--February 10, 2012
Slogans for Panda Express (@itsmichaelayall ) RT @joeyciccoline Bleaching the bathroom ceiling.
--February 9, 2012
My writing process is to put the world around me in boxes until I feel safe or bored enough to fantasize. #writersblock
--February 9, 2012
Tragedy strikes, but so does beauty. And behind it all the missing pieces of my novel appear; like bricks in a magic wall.
--February 1, 2012
feBruary
"Most of my neurotic life could be retold using nothing but titles from Berenstein Bears books
--January 31, 2012
A sketch about a witch hunt falling into confusion when certain people in the mob think it's a sandwich hunt.
--January 31, 2012
Overweight Emoticon : )))
--January 30, 3012
For polite & intelligent conversation, try to use the phrase "almost as if" instead of the word "like" example: "girl, I almost as if you"
--January 30, 2012
When I was roommates with Occam, he was always like "stop using my razor!" but I was always like "I have the simplest of explanations!"
--January 26, 2012
Fruit punch all over my dashiki :(
--January 26, 2012
星の鳥 reprise
--January 17, 2012
Music. Notes. Index cards. Coffee. A lover waiting where it's warm. Time to rewrite a novel.
--January 17, 2012
They should change the clinical name of fear of flying to "atmosfear"
--January 17, 2012
I'm going to start saying "Does it look like I care?" real sarcastically while making a face that looks like I care.
--January 17, 2012
Hey goth kid buying Diet Coke, sad kids don't worry about calories.
--January 17, 2012
Hey, songwriters: I'm trying to write a slow ballad with a haunting melody. My question: HOW many Halloween sound effects is too many?
--January 17, 2012
"Oh, I don't think you understand the GRAVITY of the situation.." --Me, dressed as a villain named William Tell, EVERY time I shot an arrow.
--January 17, 2012
Get behind me, Stan.
--January 17, 2012
"Does that bee scene in My Girl turn anyone else on?" --creepiest thing to say at a party"
--January 16, 2012
My goal in life is to moonwalk while vomiting. #ReachForTheClosestStars
--January 16, 2012
JANUARY